Ordinary People Extraordinary Things
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Ordinary People Extraordinary Things
100. Guys Talk Miscarriage: The Conversation Men Never Have with Chris Bruscher, Jeff Redenius, & Chance Wells
Three husbands break the silence surrounding miscarriage, sharing their unique perspectives on pregnancy loss and the impact it had on their marriages and faith journeys. Chris (Nancy's husband) hosts this special 100th episode featuring brothers-in-law Jeff and Chance as they discuss their experiences supporting their wives through miscarriage while processing their own grief.
• Jeff shares his regret about missing the doctor's appointment where they discovered their baby had no heartbeat
• The men discuss the disconnect they felt during miscarriage since their bodies weren't physically experiencing the changes
• Chance explains how a special church service for miscarriage parents helped provide meaning and closure
• Chris recounts the terrifying experience of his wife's ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery
• All three men admit they've never previously discussed their miscarriage experiences with other men
• The conversation shifts to practical ways they work to strengthen their marriages after these shared traumas
• Jeff and Chance emphasize the importance of prioritizing time together and maintaining communication
• The men reflect on true wealth being found in strong family relationships rather than material success
We're continuing with Ordinary People Extraordinary Things! Our 101st episode will drop next Sunday, so we'll see you in just one week.
Episode #3️⃣4️⃣ with the wives
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Happy Easter. Matthew 28, 5 says but the angel said to the women Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. So, happy Easter. I hope that this day brings you peace and hope of what God did for us on the cross and then rising from the dead. We are also celebrating our 100th episode today. I am so excited and I'm so thankful that you've been on this journey with us. With Ordinary People, extraordinary Things. I am actually not the host for this episode. My husband, chris, surprised me and did this episode that I have been wanting to do for about two years. So he surprised me and was the host for this episode with my brother, jeff, and my brother-in-law, chance. It is a fantastic episode. I'm so excited to bring it to you today. Stay tuned for the end of the episode, as we'll talk about what happens after our 100th episode.
Chris Bruscher:Welcome to Ordinary People, extraordinary Things. I am Chris. I'll be your host today, or you can call me Nancy's husband. I'll be your host for this episode and I'm joined with Jeffrey Dinas and Chance Wells. You guys are super excited about this episode, right? Absolutely.
Jeff Redenius:You bet.
Chris Bruscher:I can hear the excitement in your voices. This episode is like a continuation of episode 34, where our wives all got together and talked about miscarriages, and I thought it would be good if we can talk about it from the guys perspective, from the husband's, as we all all three went through that. So, jeff, just a little explanation he's Jenny's husband and chances Lori's husband, so these are my two brother-in-laws, and thank you so much for for joining us tonight. With that being said, jeff, can you share a couple words that describe you?
Jeff Redenius:yeah, I would say kind of, first and foremost, my primary objectives as as a guy is to be a father and a husband. I am also a business owner in in rural iowa but most important jobs I have is to be a father to my kids and get them set up for life, and uh husband to jenny and sleep sometimes right, not very little bit yeah, and chance what?
Chris Bruscher:what about you? What are all that?
Chance Wells:I wish I would have went first, because he took what I was going to say.
Jeff Redenius:Great minds think alike.
Chance Wells:To piggyback off that father figure is huge for us. I feel like it's my job to get my kids to heaven, and same with my wife. She builds me as where we are today, building each other in faith, and I try doing the same, just trying to get each of us to heaven and being a hard-working individual to support them.
Chris Bruscher:All nice, and I agree with that both, both of you a ton.
Chris Bruscher:So I 100% agree, and you both have amazing kids. So thank you for being dads and for stepping into that. For myself, too, I'm the same way, father foremost. I have two wonderful kids. I would say I am very loyal, so, and what I mean by that is just I make friends with people and I just stick by them, and that includes my wife. So, yeah, so today we just kind of want to dive in a little bit more about the experiences that we have and do you feel comfortable going first, kind of talking through your story, hopefully, listeners? That was episode 34. I don't know if I said that before, but that's some of the context behind it. And, jeff, if you don't mind, kind of going with your side of the story.
Jeff Redenius:We had a miscarriage after Allie. So she well, we we say Gracie, but I mean we really don't know if it was a boy or girl was going to be after Allie, who was our second to oldest. Maybe we jumped the gun, kind of making it public, but we were really. My grandmother, uh, donita Shrod, was in the hospital and was not doing well, so we really wanted to tell her that and we could see just the absolute joy when we told her and then it just kind of went from there. Jenny did have a miscarriage, so it would have been around, you know, 2020, 2021, to this day. I, when, when sam and ally were born, it was just kind of, you know, I just stayed working. I was busy at the clinic, you know. Jenny was going to all the doctor's visits. I was like, let's just, I was just kind of writing them off as like, oh, these are just ways for the hospital to just kind of upcharge and we'll see you every three weeks or whatever.
Jeff Redenius:And I was like I can't make it to these appointments or whatever, whatever. And I was like I can't make it to this appointment, whatever. And they all just seemed pretty normal for the first two. Like you know, everything's progressing along and then. So I wasn't going and uh, so then I felt horrible, and still to this day, when Jenny was with the doctor and found out that there was no heartbeat and I I was like why wasn't I there? You know, I was putting money, I was putting business before family and so that was a wake-up call for me that, like you know, there's more important things to then seeing.
Jeff Redenius:I'm a chiropractor. There's more important things than seeing patients. Maybe I should have been a patient with my wife at the doctor's office I'm a chiropractor. There's more important things than seeing patients. Maybe I should have been a patient with my wife at the doctor's office a little bit more and after that definitely was more involved with those. We named her Gracie.
Jeff Redenius:The kids all know Jenny had a miscarriage, you know, never forgotten. We don't dwell on it a lot, but the kids are aware there is kind of a silhouette picture we have, you know, of all the kids but and then like a baby being held by Jesus and all of us in there, we planted the tree, just kind of like you know something that'll grow, something that when we pick you know an apple off of it, you know we just always have that little kind of thought. It's just kind of like a reality check that we are not in control as much as we think we are. We we definitely are not have to learn how to hit a curveball and and just keep going step by step, as far as being husband and in it I didn't go through a lot of it, you know, just because I, I I mean I was sad, obviously, but my body didn't change.
Jeff Redenius:I wasn't dealing with with truly losing physically a baby. So you can't help but be kind of disconnected, and I don't mean that lightly, but yet kind of disconnected, and so it's just, you know, I'm just trying to be there in every way I can. You know, my, my, my hormones didn't fluctuate. I was, you know more so kind of flatlined as far as that. So you're just trying to give as much support as you absolutely can and be strong for your wife and for your kids that are home trying to figure out. You know they're trying to figure out what's going on, and so you're just trying to figure out. You know they're trying to figure out what's going on, and so you're just trying to be an even keel through it so that there's normalcy through this hard time for the kids, always trying to remember that we're not in control.
Jeff Redenius:You know, every time we see a rainbow, we just kind of do that initial, just kind of let go there's, you know there's love in the world and there's always a lot of good, but uh, there's always curveballs that you have no control of a couple things on there.
Chris Bruscher:I really like that you talked about the, the physical changes like my wife had to go through during that time. As a guy you don't go through that and and I don't know if that makes it feel more disconnected or not or what, but I totally hear you when you're saying that is, you feel so bad and you try to support in any way you can. But how do you do that when you know you physically your body hasn't done the changes and what does that look like from a support side? I want to circle back around a little bit, though, on the fact that you kind of said that you felt bad because you weren't there and you kind of stepped in. How have you kind of dealt with that and how have you gotten past that? Was that a conversation you and Jenny had, or was that lots conversation you and jenny had, or is that lots of prayers or no?
Jeff Redenius:I mean, jenny was never like you know, why weren't you there? You know, because it was just we were both just kind of like, oh, I'm just gonna go, you know, see, this visit wasn't like, hey, jeff, are you coming? And I said, no, it was just we were. We were both kind of it's just another visit, whatever. So it was an unspoken conversation. I just was more involved with those appointments and we really are very in tuned about this, about just being together and doing things.
Jeff Redenius:Right now, I feel like we are living two separate lives. Jenny's dad has been dealing with some health things, and so Jenny's been running to waterloo quite a bit, and so I'm home with the kids, or we're both going, or I'm on the school board. So, like, when jenny's not in waterloo, I don't have a school board meeting. And tonight she had a pto meeting, tomorrow I have a meeting, and it's just weird. It's like two separate lives right now. So it's like I told her like we need to like make sure we're there for each other, like I know, we're just got a lot going on right now and we'll get through it, but we can't allow this to become our new normal and you know she's talking about. She has a doctor visit in march.
Jeff Redenius:Well, I guess it is march uh sometimes coming coming up and I was like I would like to be there. You should not be at that appointment alone. I don't want you there alone. I'll take the day, like let's go together. It was just like an unwritten conversation. We don't want you there alone. I'll take the day, let's go together. It was just like an unwritten conversation. We don't need to be going through those things alone anymore.
Chris Bruscher:More in tune with making sure you guys are together and sharing that. Yeah, nice, I like that. So Chance, what about you? Can you give a little story about yours?
Chance Wells:For us, it was the first one off the bat, 2010,. Lori was a middle school teacher at St Mary's in Sturmey and, like I said, this is our first one Found out. We were expecting, and along the same lines as Jeff you know first couple of Dodgers appointments you know went well and it was kind of one of those things, you know I was doing my own thing also, and I think it was a third or fourth appointment.
Chance Wells:We were a month or two into this and she went in after school and they couldn't find the heartbeat what's going on here, you know. And they were doing a scan on her and they still couldn't find it. And I can remember that phone call after her walking out and I just felt helpless, like I wish I was there, and you know.
Chance Wells:I wasn't expecting this one thing. How we kind of coped with it is, uh, my mother-in-law bless her heart. You know she always finds the the good and in the bad. I would say that right. It was about two months afterwards she called us and says I think there's this church in sioux city that once a year they have masses for miscarriage parents and I think it'd be good for you guys to go to that, and we kind of talked about it. So we ended up going. It was pretty neat. We walked in and they gave us a candle and we got to light that the front of the church and that just kind of gave us a little ease with the whole situation leading up to that. There that there's conversations. Are we going to be that couple that we're going to have problems from here on out? Second, guess yourself. And that's what helped us through it.
Chris Bruscher:We also named.
Chance Wells:It was Blair, not knowing if it was a boy or a girl. We find ourselves at times too, with our kids when we pray at night before bedtime. That name will get mentioned quite a lot. The kids know about it. I'll just never forget going in that church. When we walked in and leaving with that candle, I felt like we had something, you know a meaning and just made us kind of feel a little bit better about the situation.
Jeff Redenius:I would agree with you, james. We did that for the first time, I guess last year, 2024. It was very powerful. We kind of utilized it as a funeral in some ways. That was really that gave us a lot of closure.
Chance Wells:Absolutely and, like I said, I'm glad we stumbled onto that or led onto that, you know, I don't know if that's something we would have found on our own. But that has been a huge part in the steps through it all you you know and leading up to where we're at now, even with four kids. We talk about it quite a lot. The kids ask questions and it's something I'll never forget it's very, very powerful for us.
Chris Bruscher:In our story. We didn't do the naming, we haven't done that candle and lighting as well, so maybe that's something that we should be really thinking and considering about. What about you chance on supporting lori? How did you feel on that? Were you kind of in the same boat of trying to just be there because obviously you had other kids and and how's that?
Chance Wells:at the time, we didn't have any other kids.
Chris Bruscher:This is the first one, that first okay yeah, it kind of set me back too.
Chance Wells:it's like you take everything for granted, you think everything's going to happen just because that's the motions in life and it set me back we can put all this time and effort into our jobs and the work and things that really don't matter. Her and I at the time after we were married I was gone with the trucking business and probably was not there when I should have been for her and looking back on that, some of the things she had to deal with on her own I just wish I could go back in time and be there for her. I'm not saying it wasn't hard for me going through it, but I think for the women it's quite a bit harder feeling obviously they have with they go through.
Chance Wells:like I said, if I could go back and go to maybe a few more of those doctor's appointments off the get-go, Because I know if something is going to happen it's going to happen in the first few weeks or first few months. And being there for that unexpected news.
Chris Bruscher:Yeah, I totally agree For my situation. She was having a lot of pain and talked to the midwives to find out what they recommended to do. They immediately said you need to go to the ER and figure out what's going on. So she gave me a call and I met her there and David stayed with us as we're waiting for the doctor and once we were able to get into the room they did some stuff and they're like this is a miscarriage and that's the way it happens and it's painful and and we're sorry but there's not much we can do and you just need to go home and after a few days it'll pass. She relayed that to the midwives and they said well, we want to come in and see you anyways. So she went in a few days later and saw them and they're like this is not right.
Chris Bruscher:Something else is still wrong, you need to go back to the ER. So we went back to the ER and this time I called my dad to come pick David up. So we're sitting there and eventually got into the room and that's where they said still miscarriage. We know it's bad, but if you really want to do this other test, we will do this other scan or something. And the only caveat is is, if it isn't a miscarriage, that it for sure the baby will be dead after this. And that just kind of gave me pause and nancy paused too, I think, and we just were thinking about all those stories where, hey, the doctor said this and actually ended up being just fine and the baby survived and my kids, you know, older, and everything's good. So we're sitting there trying to figure out, like, do we do this, do we not do this? And all of a sudden they came into the room and took her and it's like that's kind of weird. And they ran the test and apparently the blood test came back saying yes, it was, you know, a miscarriage. And so they wanted to go in there and find out what else was going on. At that same point there's a shift change, so we got a new doctor and, to her credit, she actually had worked with midwives before and was very receptive to their knowledge and to their expertise and took their advice and he did their advice. And I just remember coming back and she's like hey, this is really serious, there's a bunch of stuff going on and they're bleeding here and we need to take her in right now. And I just remember my head spinning like here I am trying to figure out do we run this test in case the baby's still alive, or to the baby's gone, has passed away, it's stuck in the tube and cannot get out and it's about ready to burst and your wife's bleeding to death and we need to take her into surgery right now. And we will be up in this room and I just my head's spinning and I'm trying to figure out what is going on and how can this all happen so quickly? I remember she went up into the surgery and it was tough. Just lots of things going through your mind. You're like losing a baby and then your wife is going into surgery right now. They don't even want to talk to you, they're just they got to get in there and get in there now.
Chris Bruscher:I remember still it was later, later at night by that time and I just remember I was sitting up on this mezzanine level all by myself up there and just thinking and praying. God, what's going on? 24 hours ago they said nothing was wrong. How could I not push more? Why did it come to this?
Chris Bruscher:And as a husband and a father, at that time you feel worthless, like there's nothing I can do except for just sit here and pray. I remember I was just sitting there and my dad walked him up the stairs and I just remember coming up and he's all happy and I'm just thinking to myself God, please, please, get her through this surgery, because I cannot do this alone. I am not strong enough for this, I cannot do this, I'm not prepared for this, and kind of selfishly praying just, please, don't do this to my son or to me. That sense of hopelessness and being scared of you know, is my wife going to make it through. At that point we knew the baby wouldn't survive, even no matter what. That made it hard, nancy.
Chris Bruscher:Just she went through a lot during that time. It was very, very sad and very depressed and I guess for me that's where I really felt like a failure as a husband, because I didn't really. We never really talked about it much. I guess for me it was selfishly. I was more thinking about man I'm so grateful that she is alive, that I didn't even realize how much pain she was going through because of that miscarriage. Now, looking back, I'm like, oh man, that was super selfish and that was so wrong. But we've talked about it now and tried to deal with it and that's my story and our story and we're continuing to work through that and find ways to make sure that I am supporting her and making sure that more open about that, about miscarriages and I find myself not talking with very many guys about it. I don't know if you guys have had any conversations with other husbands or not.
Jeff Redenius:No, honestly, this is the most I've ever spoke about it, you know by by by far. Yeah, I've never actually spoken with a husband. I actually had a another friend of ours she had a miscarriage who actually did help me, because I was kind of just feeling horrible about not being there when jenny found out she lost the baby, because the same exact scenario happened with her and her husband, where he wasn't there. So she was like don't beat yourself up too much, you know, it's like you're not a bad person, like everyone just starts thinking that everything's just fine, like chance was saying, and all of a sudden it's not.
Chris Bruscher:She's like you're, you're not the only one you're not out of the norm on that one. Yeah, it's definitely interesting because I've had conversations with other women that have had miscarriages. You know, like they might mention, oh, my daughter, or something like that. I've had open conversations with that. But yeah, until now I'm with you guys I haven't talked to another male about miscarriages at all. I don't know, maybe that, maybe that's something that needs to change, or or maybe that's fine too. I don't know, I don't know that answer yeah's something that needs to change, or maybe that's fine too. I don't know.
Jeff Redenius:I don't know that answer. Yeah, it's kind of like an unwritten rule that usually it's like you just say we had one mess carriage and you just kind of move on. You know, maybe you don't want to dwell on on something that's sad, you know, like what you said, though, like you know, sometimes it's good to talk. Maybe always people want to just talk about happy, happy and they just want to. You know, move over to that, I don't know.
Chance Wells:Yeah, you know sitting here listening to you guys. You know I'm trying to think like conversations I've had with my friends and I don't know. I know there's a couple of them that have happened, but it's not a topic that gets talked about, but there are definitely feelings that go with it. So you don't know how to word it, or they don't know how to word it. It just does not get talked about.
Jeff Redenius:I'm remembering pretty vividly now, chris, when you started explaining what happened. I don't know if I just kind of blocked it out of my memory or I don't know, but all of a sudden you started describing what happened and all of a sudden I remember exactly where I was and on what street in downtown Davenport and in front of what pizza place, when I was talking to Nancy about ectopic pregnancies because it was something that I was literally just got done with. That class, like I was pretty sharp on the whole. Oh my gosh, that just came flooding back to me. I was like, oh, I completely kind of blocked that out of my brain until just now and all of a sudden everything came back.
Chris Bruscher:I think that happens too for me. Sometimes you don't want to remember, oh, I was not good in that circumstance or that was too scary. I don't really want to live that one again. But how have you guys worked through marriage stuff too now now to move on with the miscarriage stuff and trying to be the best husbands that we can be? Obviously, during these times we we found that there's some areas that we improve. What are, what are some of the, the tricks that you're doing right now just to help make sure that your marriages are strong and that communication stays open?
Chance Wells:I think communication, like what you said, chris, is the number one priority. It's getting on the same page. Jeff, you can relate to this. With four kids it's very hectic and you find yourself going when you're coming and coming when you're going, just at the end of the day, taking time for each other. Once the kids go to bed, I find myself not taking the time that I should and talking to her, but as years go on, I'm trying to get better about that and making her feel involved in my outside decisions that I make in my job, having more of a conversation and making her feel the other half of me Truly not getting focused on the wrong aspects of life.
Jeff Redenius:I have too many friends and too many successful people around me that it's just all about money, money, money, money. And on the outside it looks like they're just blowing me out of the water and all I see is something I don't want anything to do with. You know, it's like what is true wealth Is true wealth? $3 million? Then I guess I'm not wealthy. Or is wealth having a great marriage where the person loves you and is backing you 100% Is true happiness with your wife driving a hundred thousand dollar suburban or driving a minivan with high miles? You know, with a lot of memories, you know and you see a lot of people driving up and down with like, upgrading every year, with the big fancy rims, and it's like, oh, they got it figured out. And then it's like, are they just putting these you know objects into them, trying to fill a void? I don't want anything to do it. I'd never want to just coexist with Jenny. I've seen that before. You're there, but yet you're not.
Jeff Redenius:Maybe, I annoy Jenny, but I'm always trying to go and get a hug. So just like, let's just, you know, just that little thing, you know, if you just kind of stop doing that all of a sudden, it's like okay, then do you even say good morning. If you know, I was just trying to keep back. I'm always just trying to go back to the basics. Back to the basics what's important, what's important? Yeah, I like that.
Chance Wells:I think that's key yeah, the same thing on basic is just trying to set aside a couple nights a month, or even if it's one night a month, to go out on a date and keep that spark alive between what it's supposed to be and having that excitement for one another. I think that's very important for taking the time Just for the two of you and leaving the kids at home and just building off that. We try to do it once a month. In the winter it could be a couple times or once a week if we have time, we're not going to basketball games or kids events.
Chance Wells:But that's very important taking the time for each other. I'm getting out and going and doing something and laughing and talking about the old times and dating. I think that's very important meeting each other and just keeping the fire lit.
Jeff Redenius:Yeah, you guys are doing a really good job of that. I would say Jenny and I are failing at that right now, 100% failing. We got work to do on that and I want to do that. I love that. I want to do that.
Chris Bruscher:It's hard, nancy and I. We went a long stretch where we weren't really doing that and as we get older and get to know each other well, I can kind of tell when things aren't, you know, as good as they should be. And then I'm like, okay, it's time for a date night. Now I'm like, why do I keep waiting till it's starting on the edge of bad to go do it? So, so, uh, this last couple months we've been really trying to make sure that we have a planned date, like you were saying. Chance of here's our time. And this is when we're going to take it Because, like you said, it's key to talk about. You know what's the future look like together, what's now look like, what are the decisions we need to make now? Also, looking back on the past, of where have we been you know, where have we struggled, where can we improve? So I think all those things are good. I just want to give a shout out to Jeff, to your parents.
Chris Bruscher:They've really modeled and made a huge impression on me as far as the marriage, because Nancy tells me stories all the time about how much they would like go out together and it probably wasn't all that much, but as a kid maybe it seemed like more, but just the focus and they still have that focus of time together and I think I don't know. I'm like that's, that's what I want still to be, that that together and that close even after those years, even though it's only probably been 20 years that they've been married, right right yeah, they're always looking for a good excuse to go out to eat.
Jeff Redenius:I guess I was there for this date, so I guess it wasn't a true date when I was a kid. But we went all the way to okoboji to eat mexican once, and which is two hours one way, but it was fun. I mean, we just chatted the whole time before smartphones, you know love it, I love it.
Chance Wells:My father-in-law and I'm gonna build on that just a little bit. He's taught me along the way. You know, I grew up in a household when it came for valentine's day, birthdays and stuff growing up my dad never really went out of his way to like bring in a bouquet of flowers or some balloons or something, very easily and so small.
Chance Wells:I never saw that growing up and I know, the first few years of our marriage I should have known better, you know, and I was at fault, you know, maybe not going that extra step and I just step back and I look at my father-in-law and he's taught me not not telling me, but watching his actions is what he's done, and that's kind of helped me be a better man, a better husband just doing little things for them, you know, on the special days, I think that's so key too.
Chris Bruscher:Like you said, he's never came and said hey, you suck, or hey, you should do this better?
Nancy Bruscher:Absolutely not.
Chris Bruscher:He just models it so well. A man of very few words. He should be on the podcast 30 seconds later over. Well, guys, any words of wisdom or final thoughts, as we kind of close out.
Jeff Redenius:I wasn't nervous for this. I also didn't know. I honestly thought this was going to last five minutes, to be 100% honest, because I was like, well, I've never really talked about this, so how much am I going to talk? You know, I thought that was great.
Chance Wells:Yeah, I was a little bit nervous about it. I'm not a big. Share my story, A couple things keep faith and close to you and just keep working hard and communication is huge and you have a successful marriage, I believe agreed.
Chris Bruscher:Yes, sir, amen to that. Well, thank you guys so much.
Chris Bruscher:I really do appreciate you helping us out having this conversation being open, being able to talk more than five minutes on this and I love the, the ending wisdom around the, the marriage, as I truly feel honored to be with you guys and and see your families and see how you love your wives and your kids and I just really appreciate both of you and thanks so much again for being on the podcast, look forward to seeing and talk to you and do you guys soon.
Nancy Bruscher:I hope this 100th episode with Chris as your host has been impactful. Thank you for being on this journey of 100 podcasts about faith and hope. We are going to continue. We're going to keep on rolling with Ordinary People, Extraordinary Things and our 101st episode will drop next Sunday, so we will see you in just one week. Thank you for listening and thank you for sharing.